Goals

Today I sent in the email that I was not running the Power of Four 50k. I would like to say that the decision felt right, that I knew with how long I have been injured that I needed more time, that at this time I can only really run about five miles at a time, that I am thinking about myself holistically, but I can honestly say that in my mind I was totally ready to suffer, regardless of consequences.

I know for a fact that I can that race and finish it. I have been riding my mountain bike constantly since the injury and I am climbing on the bike faster than I ever have. On Wednesday, I went out kind of fast in 95 degrees and it felt great. The previous week I had ordered poles. Everything felt in my mind felt like I should run this race, but there was one lingering fact I could not get past.

I had not run consistently in five weeks. My achilles no matter how much I took off just would not heal in a way that made me feel like I can run 20 miles on this and not injure myself.

When I wrote the email I kept in my drafts for two hours. It kind of just sat there. I was like do I send it or do I drive to Aspen Thursday. Sleep in my car. Register. Run. In my head I was waffling between plans. If I go for a run Saturday maybe running over 10 miles and 3000 feet of elevation gain then maybe I can do it.

Before doing anything I opened my training log. Talking with my coach we had talked about a plan of starting slow. Three miles. Two Miles. Tomorrow off. Five miles Saturday. Four Sunday. 13 miles total for the week. And at that moment in the morning I was going to say fuck it all and just put my body through suffering because I really want to battle on the trail, go to war with my metaphorical demons, run til my achilles burst and maybe run some more.

Sobriety sometimes teaches you things you cannot teach yourself.

Three years ago I relapsed and when I sobered up I honestly thought that I was not going to live another day. Describing how I felt is one thing but describing what others saw is maybe more impactful. My friend Kelli said when she first saw me she just saw death in my eyes. She had never met someone so full of anger and so full of sadness.

If my sober journey was typical I would have completed the twelve steps and my life would have gotten astronomically better. Unfortunately, this did not happen. I did the twelve steps. Upon completion, at about a year sober, I wanted to die more than I ever did before. At times, through the steps there were moments of clarity, of serenity, but overall, those first two years were just awful.

As an engineer I like to qualify things with experimental results. Below is a summary of the depression I experienced.

Three years of using and two years of sobriety and I was more depressed than I have ever been. I was so depressed I literally could not do the thing I love more than anything and find enjoyment in it. I could not ski. I could not run. I really could not do anything.

Things came to a head last September when I went through another crisis. This time unlike my other times I was really done. I had suffered so much and in my mind nothing had changed. I was ready to drink so I bought a twelve pack right after the very last meeting I was ever going to. I would like to tell you that I drank but guess what I didn’t.

I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and called a few people and told them what happened. After a few more days I got rid of the booze. I then talked to my sponsor and he gave me the formula to get better. It is listed below.

1. Go to Therapy and talk to my psychiatrist
2. Start a morning and evening meditation (called an eleventh step for those familiar with the program)
3. Start sponsoring other dudes

It was not immediate but things kind of did get better following this formula. Really the reason for that is all the work I did in therapy. So let’s flash forward to this year and covid.

During the pandemic I started running again because I did not feel comfortable mountain biking. I got pretty good and I was running pretty fast. I had a great base from backcountry skiing. I was ready to take on some bigger challenges. I decided I was going to run my first ultra so I signed up for the power of four.

Fast forward another few months and I got injured and then I got injured again. It sucked. I could not run. I could ride my bike and I could climb and I could hike so I did not go completely nuts. I talked with my coach. I got overwhelmed by work. Everything felt like it was moving in such a way that I was not going to run the power of four 50k.

Two weeks ago I talked with my coach after seeing the doctor and she said let’s agree that you are not running the race. I verbally agreed yet thought in my head maybe I can still do it if this injury clears. Fast forward to today. Why did I decide not to run the race?

Philosophically, I would say I did not run it because it did not feel right to take on something where the goal was to suffer. Suffering should be a part of the run but it should not be the terminus of the run — a link in the chain that connects the story of the run from the start line to the finish.

Another and probably more important thing was it just was not honest. I made a plan with my coaches, with my team, and I was just going to say fuck it, purely for personal glory. What is the point of doing something so hard if you cannot share it with the community you are working and running in?

Finally, and probably most importantly, if I ran it would not align with my sobriety. It would be a thing that would fester in me. If I I did not finish I would be resentful at myself, at my coach, at everyone. If I finished and it was not where I wanted it to be I would be at first angry and then ultimately sad that I had failed at one more thing I was trying to do. Other things would happen and it would just be a thing that push me to a place to be vulnerable to use and to drink again.

In sobriety I fuck up a lot. My life sure is a lot easier when I make fuck ups where I don’t have to either a) make amends or b)do behavior that makes me vulnerable to use. I think I kind of avoided that today and I think I am okay that I sent that email, saying that I was not going to run the Power of Four 50k next Saturday.